The New Doctor Who

Some Western TV shows are reaching Kleptokran audiences, as this new footage from ARKTV demonstrates.

Our contact sent us this clip yesterday with the following note: “Doctor Who is massive in the ARK, but it’s a very different show to the one that the rest of the world is used to. For a start, in our version the Doctor is played by the Resplendent Chairflower. They achieve this by cutting footage of monsters and aliens from the original show with seemingly random pieces of archive film of the Chairflower, rambling on and drinking heavily as usual. The whole thing ends up making very little sense and is essentially a series of random events not connected by any sort of cohesive narrative whatsoever, so in that sense it is pretty similar to the original. People don’t seem to mind being patronised with plots that don’t bear any scrutiny because the theme tune is a corker and the Tardis is smart.”


The Re-Execution of Enemies of the State

Janet flapped through the window this morning with a cutting in her claws. Ripped from the Kleptokran state newspaper Gazetta Sick, it reveals macabre details about the dire consequences for Kleptokran traitors, even in death.

Cutting from "Gazetta Sick"

Cutting from “Gazetta Sick”

The ARK has never officially had the death penalty (despite suspicious cases like that of Kog Tourbuss). The Resplendent Chairflower has gone on record as saying that all forms of murder are “harsh”. Habius refuses even to eat dead animals, having turned vegan when he discovered the music and philosophy of Morrissey.

However, as the report states, hardline Kleptokrans have recently exploited a legal and spiritual loophole that has satisfied the bloodlust of the revengeful masses.

Public re-executions of dead enemies of the state have been attracting crowds of hundreds across the Republik. So called “Justice Seances” are held to summon up the souls of dead convicted criminals. Once their ghostly spirit has been resurrected they are put on trial and re-executed by anonymous “Ghost Executioners” using spells they made up and imported laser pens. The pens are believed to have magic properties. But obviously don’t.

It has become customary for the executioners to wear a mask that depicts the face of Egon Spengler from the US 1980’s cartoon series “The Real Ghostbusters”. Why he was chosen is unclear, although it is rumoured that six tons of unsold Spengler action figures were dumped into the ocean by Mattel in 1991 just off the coast of Belarus. Their eventual resting place may well have been the ARK. For Kleptokran traitors, there will be no rest.

Team Sick – ARK Sporting Success

The ARK’s only international sporting exposure came at the 1984 Olympics. Although they have never taken part in the games, this year they did succeed in staging a remarkable piece of protest against the long jump, an event that falls in direct contravention to their strict no jumping beliefs.
All the buzz that year concerned a young American athlete by the name of Karl Lewis. Lewis was first up for Team USA in the long jump on day one of the track and field events.
However, as the crowd whooped their frenzied excitement, and Lewis flew through the air after launching himself on a trademark monster leap, he was surprised to find himself plunging not into sand, but several litres of sick.
Amid confusing and revolting scenes the Olympic broadcaster quickly went to an emergency episode of Babar the Elephant. The long jump was delayed until the next day with an official explanation of “technical difficulties”. Footage has since been destroyed. The photograph below, a screenshot from ARKTV, is the only remaining evidence.
The reason for the disruption became clear when the Kleptokran Olympic Vomiting Team, (‘Team Sick‘) were paraded on ARKTV two days later. They had returned to the country as national sporting heroes.
To this day Karl Lewis refuses to speak about the incident.
Karl Lewis Plunges Into Vomit in 1984

Karl Lewis Plunges Into Vomit in 1984

Make Do and Steal

Make Do and Steal

Make Do and Steal

“It’s easy!” So exclaims the Kleptokran Stealing Tzar Plivdar Plovdop. To ensure a healthy circulation of goods and community spirit, Kogs are encouraged to go out on stealing sprees whenever they can’t afford things that they want.

“Everybody should have what they want, all the time, that’s obviously the bedrock of any civilised society”, explains our contact. “Sadly, sometimes, people cannot afford the things they want, so it makes absolute sense that if other people have them, you should try to take those things away from them, and you should do that secretly in case they find out and get annoyed. This way there is constant hope. This way we are brothers and sisters. This way there is peace and harmony. I have a gun, so leave my shit alone.”

The National Grid is Not Food

The National Grid is not Food

The National Grid is not Food

Another bit of sage state advice here. It seems some hungry Kogs have been tempted to chow down on kilowatts.

Dogs Found Without Their Hat will be Put Down

Dogs Found Without Their Hat will be Put Down

Dogs Found Without Their Hat will be Put Down

In 1978, the Kleptokran economy was on its knees. Money was short, unemployment was spiraling, and the country was fast running out of fuel as the harsh winter approached.

As the crisis took hold, the Resplendent Chairflower  appeared on ARKR, delivering a slurred address to the nation that lasted for several hours. During the course of his speech he revealed that Habius had entered his room the night before clutching a lump of charcoal in his mouth. He had seemed agitated and yappy.

Habius had sketched out a series of drawings on the floor of the Chairflower’s bedroom that indicated the reason for his rage. The other dogs of the Republik did not pay him enough respect. Not only that, they had lost all respect for themselves.  They were lazy. They were scruffy. They were bang out of order.

The Chairflower immediately passed a resolution which decreed that all working class Kogdogs must shape up, adopt a positive attitude and wear a formal hat at all times. If they didn’t they would be put down and burned for fuel.

Hat makers sprang up all around the Republik overnight. An elite force of dog wardens were called up to implement the new law. Unemployment was wiped out. Fuel shortages were eradicated. The country rejoiced among the toasty sizzle of unkempt Kogdog.

Kleptokratz was saved.

ARK Numbers Station Broadcast

Regimes around the world have, for decades, used Numbers Stations to deliver coded messages to agents working abroad. Last night we managed to grab this recording of what would appear to be a numbers station broadcast from inside the ARK. They use a unique system to deliver their encoded message, eschewing the usual method of number sequences, and instead stacking up ordered strings of repetitive sounds.

We have no idea what it all means, if anybody can break the code please do get in contact.