The ARK Military

An emotional soldier about to have his hair cut by forces sweetheart Nina Spoom

The Kleptokran military prides itself on ruggedness.

Kleptokran soldiers must have their hair cut while wearing their uniforms, and with no towel around their necks during the process. This ensures that thousands of tiny bits of hair get caught at the back of their collar, a fate most visitors to the hairdressers desperately try to avoid.

The longer a squaddie can go without changing or washing his uniform after a haircut, the more he is respected for his stoicism. The bravest warriors – the best of the best – do not to wash their uniforms until just before their next haircut.

Our contact reveals that as a result, ARK military displays often look haphazard.

“Their purpose is to demonstrate the skill and precision of the Kleptokran armed forces. But although nobody dares admit it, those boys are far too prickly and itchy. They twitch and shift about. The rashes on their necks clash with the uniforms. They have all the grace of a cow trying to get out of a river.”


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