The New Doctor Who

Some Western TV shows are reaching Kleptokran audiences, as this new footage from ARKTV demonstrates.

Our contact sent us this clip yesterday with the following note: “Doctor Who is massive in the ARK, but it’s a very different show to the one that the rest of the world is used to. For a start, in our version the Doctor is played by the Resplendent Chairflower. They achieve this by cutting footage of monsters and aliens from the original show with seemingly random pieces of archive film of the Chairflower, rambling on and drinking heavily as usual. The whole thing ends up making very little sense and is essentially a series of random events not connected by any sort of cohesive narrative whatsoever, so in that sense it is pretty similar to the original. People don’t seem to mind being patronised with plots that don’t bear any scrutiny because the theme tune is a corker and the Tardis is smart.”


The Re-Execution of Enemies of the State

Janet flapped through the window this morning with a cutting in her claws. Ripped from the Kleptokran state newspaper Gazetta Sick, it reveals macabre details about the dire consequences for Kleptokran traitors, even in death.

Cutting from "Gazetta Sick"

Cutting from “Gazetta Sick”

The ARK has never officially had the death penalty (despite suspicious cases like that of Kog Tourbuss). The Resplendent Chairflower has gone on record as saying that all forms of murder are “harsh”. Habius refuses even to eat dead animals, having turned vegan when he discovered the music and philosophy of Morrissey.

However, as the report states, hardline Kleptokrans have recently exploited a legal and spiritual loophole that has satisfied the bloodlust of the revengeful masses.

Public re-executions of dead enemies of the state have been attracting crowds of hundreds across the Republik. So called “Justice Seances” are held to summon up the souls of dead convicted criminals. Once their ghostly spirit has been resurrected they are put on trial and re-executed by anonymous “Ghost Executioners” using spells they made up and imported laser pens. The pens are believed to have magic properties. But obviously don’t.

It has become customary for the executioners to wear a mask that depicts the face of Egon Spengler from the US 1980’s cartoon series “The Real Ghostbusters”. Why he was chosen is unclear, although it is rumoured that six tons of unsold Spengler action figures were dumped into the ocean by Mattel in 1991 just off the coast of Belarus. Their eventual resting place may well have been the ARK. For Kleptokran traitors, there will be no rest.

Team Sick – ARK Sporting Success

The ARK’s only international sporting exposure came at the 1984 Olympics. Although they have never taken part in the games, this year they did succeed in staging a remarkable piece of protest against the long jump, an event that falls in direct contravention to their strict no jumping beliefs.
All the buzz that year concerned a young American athlete by the name of Karl Lewis. Lewis was first up for Team USA in the long jump on day one of the track and field events.
However, as the crowd whooped their frenzied excitement, and Lewis flew through the air after launching himself on a trademark monster leap, he was surprised to find himself plunging not into sand, but several litres of sick.
Amid confusing and revolting scenes the Olympic broadcaster quickly went to an emergency episode of Babar the Elephant. The long jump was delayed until the next day with an official explanation of “technical difficulties”. Footage has since been destroyed. The photograph below, a screenshot from ARKTV, is the only remaining evidence.
The reason for the disruption became clear when the Kleptokran Olympic Vomiting Team, (‘Team Sick‘) were paraded on ARKTV two days later. They had returned to the country as national sporting heroes.
To this day Karl Lewis refuses to speak about the incident.
Karl Lewis Plunges Into Vomit in 1984

Karl Lewis Plunges Into Vomit in 1984