The Antisocial Republik of Kleptokratz (A.R.K.) is the most secretive and insular regime in the world. Too tiny and neutered to attract the attention of the world’s super-paranoias. Too isolated and closed off for rubbernecking tourists to visit and tweet their gawp-porn. Nobody ever calls here on their gap year. For most of the last half-century the rest of the world has all but pretended it doesn’t exist.

The flag of the Antisocial Republik of Kleptokratz

Kleptokran Crest

But we’ve always been fascinated by the place. Ever since we huddled underneath the sheets with our shortwave radios picking up eerie, crackly ARKR propaganda broadcasts when ww were kids. We knew we had to know more.

The A.R.K. might be regarded as a joke by the rest of you, but we’ve come to appreciate just how far its oily tentacles can reach. Tentacles that grip shooters and pop them at your crotch. Tentacles that can smack your naughty legs red raw. Tentacles that are actually human hands bunched into fists.

Punching you.

In the tits.

Recently we’ve managed to gain access to something that remains beyond the reach even of the CIA – a contact of our own inside the A.R.K.

Most Kleptokrans don’t even know the internet exists. The Resplendent Chairflower destroyed the telephone system years ago. No civilian mail has officially passed the curtain of sick for years.

With restrictions this tight we enlisted the help of a third party. An intrepid undercover agent who demands nothing more than a place to rest and a square meal between missions. This is Janet.



The A.R.K. air defenses are nervous and trigger happy, but Janet flutters back and forth undetected, carrying whatever information our contact can cram in her pouch. We will publish her dispatches here until somebody makes us stop.

Before the Resplendent Chairflower instigates a mass-cull of Kleptokran pigeons, we should make clear that we seek not to criticise or mock. Just to share, to understand this unique and fascinating corner of the planet. When you’re used to the whole wide world blinking from a magic lantern in the palm of your hand, what else is mysterious?

Follow the authors: @jimbobabu & @johnfinitum



  1. What…what is this? I like it, but I’m so confused.

    • Raxacoricofallapitorius says:

      I think it’s a reclusive, anti-social community, or just a reclusive, anti-social dude who owns a bird and has a blog, and writes a blog in a generic third-person

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