The New Doctor Who

Some Western TV shows are reaching Kleptokran audiences, as this new footage from ARKTV demonstrates.

Our contact sent us this clip yesterday with the following note: “Doctor Who is massive in the ARK, but it’s a very different show to the one that the rest of the world is used to. For a start, in our version the Doctor is played by the Resplendent Chairflower. They achieve this by cutting footage of monsters and aliens from the original show with seemingly random pieces of archive film of the Chairflower, rambling on and drinking heavily as usual. The whole thing ends up making very little sense and is essentially a series of random events not connected by any sort of cohesive narrative whatsoever, so in that sense it is pretty similar to the original. People don’t seem to mind being patronised with plots that don’t bear any scrutiny because the theme tune is a corker and the Tardis is smart.”


The Re-Execution of Enemies of the State

Janet flapped through the window this morning with a cutting in her claws. Ripped from the Kleptokran state newspaper Gazetta Sick, it reveals macabre details about the dire consequences for Kleptokran traitors, even in death.

Cutting from "Gazetta Sick"

Cutting from “Gazetta Sick”

The ARK has never officially had the death penalty (despite suspicious cases like that of Kog Tourbuss). The Resplendent Chairflower has gone on record as saying that all forms of murder are “harsh”. Habius refuses even to eat dead animals, having turned vegan when he discovered the music and philosophy of Morrissey.

However, as the report states, hardline Kleptokrans have recently exploited a legal and spiritual loophole that has satisfied the bloodlust of the revengeful masses.

Public re-executions of dead enemies of the state have been attracting crowds of hundreds across the Republik. So called “Justice Seances” are held to summon up the souls of dead convicted criminals. Once their ghostly spirit has been resurrected they are put on trial and re-executed by anonymous “Ghost Executioners” using spells they made up and imported laser pens. The pens are believed to have magic properties. But obviously don’t.

It has become customary for the executioners to wear a mask that depicts the face of Egon Spengler from the US 1980’s cartoon series “The Real Ghostbusters”. Why he was chosen is unclear, although it is rumoured that six tons of unsold Spengler action figures were dumped into the ocean by Mattel in 1991 just off the coast of Belarus. Their eventual resting place may well have been the ARK. For Kleptokran traitors, there will be no rest.

Team Sick – ARK Sporting Success

The ARK’s only international sporting exposure came at the 1984 Olympics. Although they have never taken part in the games, this year they did succeed in staging a remarkable piece of protest against the long jump, an event that falls in direct contravention to their strict no jumping beliefs.
All the buzz that year concerned a young American athlete by the name of Karl Lewis. Lewis was first up for Team USA in the long jump on day one of the track and field events.
However, as the crowd whooped their frenzied excitement, and Lewis flew through the air after launching himself on a trademark monster leap, he was surprised to find himself plunging not into sand, but several litres of sick.
Amid confusing and revolting scenes the Olympic broadcaster quickly went to an emergency episode of Babar the Elephant. The long jump was delayed until the next day with an official explanation of “technical difficulties”. Footage has since been destroyed. The photograph below, a screenshot from ARKTV, is the only remaining evidence.
The reason for the disruption became clear when the Kleptokran Olympic Vomiting Team, (‘Team Sick‘) were paraded on ARKTV two days later. They had returned to the country as national sporting heroes.
To this day Karl Lewis refuses to speak about the incident.
Karl Lewis Plunges Into Vomit in 1984

Karl Lewis Plunges Into Vomit in 1984

Make Do and Steal

Make Do and Steal

Make Do and Steal

“It’s easy!” So exclaims the Kleptokran Stealing Tzar Plivdar Plovdop. To ensure a healthy circulation of goods and community spirit, Kogs are encouraged to go out on stealing sprees whenever they can’t afford things that they want.

“Everybody should have what they want, all the time, that’s obviously the bedrock of any civilised society”, explains our contact. “Sadly, sometimes, people cannot afford the things they want, so it makes absolute sense that if other people have them, you should try to take those things away from them, and you should do that secretly in case they find out and get annoyed. This way there is constant hope. This way we are brothers and sisters. This way there is peace and harmony. I have a gun, so leave my shit alone.”

The National Grid is Not Food

The National Grid is not Food

The National Grid is not Food

Another bit of sage state advice here. It seems some hungry Kogs have been tempted to chow down on kilowatts.

The Curtain of Sick

curtain of sick

Other nations give blood, sweat and tears for their country. Kleptokran Kogs give their sick.

The rousing national anthem boasts of the ARK’s impenetrable borders ‘swimming with sick.’ This phrase is largely metaphorical. Largely. Our contact reveals that:

“A motion was moved in the 1970s to make an actual moat full of human sick all the way around the country, and to establish a unit of elite chundering soldiers to maintain it. There was passionate cogitation in the House of Kogs as to the practicalities of this ambitious plan. Some felt it was the final part of the Kleptokran jigsaw, a grand gesture and military statement of intent that would safeguard the future of the Antisocial Republik of Kleptokratz for generations to come. Some thought it was silly. Most of them chunked up before they got to their point. A decision could not be reached, and it fell to Habius to cast the deciding vote. Worn down by three hours of fierce debate, he whimpered and defecated into the Chairflower’s lap. The motion was never proposed again”

An Absolute Stool of a Present

Whilst we cannot confirm or deny whether the ARK was created as described in The Book of Mauve, that two sweaty, copulating stars fashioned the earth, we are in a position to tell you a little about how the ARK came to be in its modern form as an independent nation.

An area now occupied by the Antisocial Republik of Kleptokratz has always been fiercely independent in spirit, but for much of history officially a territory of various empires, or under the control of a more powerful parent nation.

Then, in the late 1800s, the parent country (who shall remain unnamed for diplomatic reasons) tried to give this territory to a neighbouring country as a birthday present. The neighbour returned it, saying it was ‘an absolute stool of a present.’ (approximate translation). The original parent country refused to take it back.

The ARK was in limbo, unwanted and unloved by the world. Which is exactly how it wants to be.

Finally, it had its independence.

A recent public lecture on the History of Kleptokratz by the University of Strathclyde, the only university to offer such a lecture

A recent public lecture on the History of Kleptokratz by the University of Strathclyde, the only university to offer such a lecture