Other nations give blood, sweat and tears for their country. Kleptokran Kogs give their sick.
The rousing national anthem boasts of the ARK’s impenetrable borders ‘swimming with sick.’ This phrase is largely metaphorical. Largely. Our contact reveals that:
“A motion was moved in the 1970s to make an actual moat full of human sick all the way around the country, and to establish a unit of elite chundering soldiers to maintain it. There was passionate cogitation in the House of Kogs as to the practicalities of this ambitious plan. Some felt it was the final part of the Kleptokran jigsaw, a grand gesture and military statement of intent that would safeguard the future of the Antisocial Republik of Kleptokratz for generations to come. Some thought it was silly. Most of them chunked up before they got to their point. A decision could not be reached, and it fell to Habius to cast the deciding vote. Worn down by three hours of fierce debate, he whimpered and defecated into the Chairflower’s lap. The motion was never proposed again”
There are of course no official Kleptokran road traffic accident statistics. However, you can take a guess at their attitude to safety behind the wheel by this public safety poster.
Our contact explains the context:
“Keen to avoid accusations of repression and heavily influenced by Glasnost, in 1989 the Resplendent Chairflower declared both sides of the road open for all drivers, depending on what sort of mood they woke up in. His popularity immediately soared as opponents to the policy – the nation’s few car owners – drove directly into each other at high speed. However, the Chairflower observed some Kogs taking advantage of the new law a little too enthusiastically, swerving all over road and beeping their horns boistrously. They were really taking the piss. After he personally witnessed an erratic hatchback bursting a cow he ordered these posters to be put up all over the Republik. They encourage people to at least adopt some consistency”
Whilst we cannot confirm or deny whether the ARK was created as described in The Book of Mauve, that two sweaty, copulating stars fashioned the earth, we are in a position to tell you a little about how the ARK came to be in its modern form as an independent nation.
An area now occupied by the Antisocial Republik of Kleptokratz has always been fiercely independent in spirit, but for much of history officially a territory of various empires, or under the control of a more powerful parent nation.
Then, in the late 1800s, the parent country (who shall remain unnamed for diplomatic reasons) tried to give this territory to a neighbouring country as a birthday present. The neighbour returned it, saying it was ‘an absolute stool of a present.’ (approximate translation). The original parent country refused to take it back.
The ARK was in limbo, unwanted and unloved by the world. Which is exactly how it wants to be.
Finally, it had its independence.
We’d like to tell you a little bit about our contact, but we know that Kleptokratz is watching. We have therefore decided on a policy of total secrecy.
To give you an idea of the sort of things that happen to traitors, let’s investigate the tragic case of Kog Tourbuss. We hope this will justify our decision.
In March 2003, a Danish fishing boat landed a catch of Haddock, European Sprat and Kleptokran Kog. The drowned carcass of Kog Tourbuss was found wrapped in a Kleptokran flag, a radish up each nostril, the words “bad pillok” tattooed on his forehead. His crime? Jumping.
Rasmus Bidstrup, a fisherman aboard the Danish boat, said after the incident: ‘I know nothing about the ARK, but I know this: people who don’t conform are as popular as a toe in a curry.’
An emotional soldier about to have his hair cut by forces sweetheart Nina Spoom
The Kleptokran military prides itself on ruggedness.
Kleptokran soldiers must have their hair cut while wearing their uniforms, and with no towel around their necks during the process. This ensures that thousands of tiny bits of hair get caught at the back of their collar, a fate most visitors to the hairdressers desperately try to avoid.
The longer a squaddie can go without changing or washing his uniform after a haircut, the more he is respected for his stoicism. The bravest warriors – the best of the best – do not to wash their uniforms until just before their next haircut.
Our contact reveals that as a result, ARK military displays often look haphazard.
“Their purpose is to demonstrate the skill and precision of the Kleptokran armed forces. But although nobody dares admit it, those boys are far too prickly and itchy. They twitch and shift about. The rashes on their necks clash with the uniforms. They have all the grace of a cow trying to get out of a river.”
The Resplendent Chairflower‘s guidance is in no small part administered through the revered national book, The Book of Mauve.
The Book of Mauve is the first, and in many cases only, point of reference for Kleptokrans wishing to learn about how their country’s history, and what it means to be a Kleptokran.
To defile or in any way besmirch the book is unthinkable to any self-respecting Kleptokran. This almost certainly includes ripping odd pages out and stuffing them in a pigeon’s satchel. Which is why until now our source has managed only to deliver the first, rather dog-eared three pages:
In the Beginning, there was only slime.
Two stars in the sky met, and made love.
There were stars as well.
After they made love, they danced naked for twenty two thousand years. Droplets of their sweat fell upon the earth (there was the earth as well).
These droplets made the great oceans.
The male star tried to wipe up the sweat, but he just made dirty rags. He tried for a while to clean the sweat and to pick up the dirty rags.
But then he just left it.
These dirty rags became the countries.
Ashamed by all the filth, the female star dropped her beautiful silk handkerchief, so that one place on the earth would be pure. This place would be Kleptokratz.
For 4.5 billion years, the stars watched to see what the silken country would become.
But the silk became tarnished, and the place that humans built was one of gloom and fetid rancidity.
Apart from the train station which was nice.
Then the Resplendent Chairflower was born.
The Resplendent Chairflower was not born of man and woman.
After 4.5 billion and twenty-two thousand years, the male and female stars became reunited in coital consultation.
The stars made an embryo, and placed it into a mother befitting of the Chairflower.
And so it passed that The Resplendent Chairflower was shat out of a tiger.
NOTE: It is believed that the RC was actually born in a bed to a woman.
The national dish of the Antisocial Republik of Kleptokratz is Big Crisps. Kleptokrans are extremely proud of the size of their crisps. As they point out; their crisps are bigger than other nations’ TOWELS. On special occasions they are even bigger – the RC‘s birthday brings with it crisps you can play tennis on.
This short video clip, which our contact smuggled out earlier this week, appears to be piece of feel-good government propaganda. A brash reminder to Kogs that while the crisps stay big, life is groovy.
We hope to one day get our hands on one of these crisps, although to be honest, it’s a lot to ask of Janet. Especially with her asthma.