Janet flapped through the window this morning with a cutting in her claws. Ripped from the Kleptokran state newspaper Gazetta Sick, it reveals macabre details about the dire consequences for Kleptokran traitors, even in death.
The ARK has never officially had the death penalty (despite suspicious cases like that of Kog Tourbuss). The Resplendent Chairflower has gone on record as saying that all forms of murder are “harsh”. Habius refuses even to eat dead animals, having turned vegan when he discovered the music and philosophy of Morrissey.
However, as the report states, hardline Kleptokrans have recently exploited a legal and spiritual loophole that has satisfied the bloodlust of the revengeful masses.
Public re-executions of dead enemies of the state have been attracting crowds of hundreds across the Republik. So called “Justice Seances” are held to summon up the souls of dead convicted criminals. Once their ghostly spirit has been resurrected they are put on trial and re-executed by anonymous “Ghost Executioners” using spells they made up and imported laser pens. The pens are believed to have magic properties. But obviously don’t.
It has become customary for the executioners to wear a mask that depicts the face of Egon Spengler from the US 1980’s cartoon series “The Real Ghostbusters”. Why he was chosen is unclear, although it is rumoured that six tons of unsold Spengler action figures were dumped into the ocean by Mattel in 1991 just off the coast of Belarus. Their eventual resting place may well have been the ARK. For Kleptokran traitors, there will be no rest.
“It’s easy!” So exclaims the Kleptokran Stealing Tzar Plivdar Plovdop. To ensure a healthy circulation of goods and community spirit, Kogs are encouraged to go out on stealing sprees whenever they can’t afford things that they want.
“Everybody should have what they want, all the time, that’s obviously the bedrock of any civilised society”, explains our contact. “Sadly, sometimes, people cannot afford the things they want, so it makes absolute sense that if other people have them, you should try to take those things away from them, and you should do that secretly in case they find out and get annoyed. This way there is constant hope. This way we are brothers and sisters. This way there is peace and harmony. I have a gun, so leave my shit alone.”